Join the Society

Membership is not for everyone. That is, in fact, the point.

The Superior Schnauzer Society does not recruit. It does not advertise. It does not hand out flyers at farmers' markets. If you're here, you either already know, or you're about to find out.

We accept those who have demonstrated a clear and unwavering understanding that the Miniature Schnauzer is the superior breed. Enthusiasm is welcome. Grovelling is not.

Membership Requirements

The following criteria are non-negotiable. We don't make the rules. Actually, we do. That's rather the point of having a society.

I

Schnauzer Allegiance

You must own, have owned, or credibly aspire to own a Miniature Schnauzer. Aspiration must be demonstrable. Simply saying "they're cute" is insufficient. We need conviction.

II

Breed Acknowledgement

You must formally acknowledge the Miniature Schnauzer as the superior breed. This can be verbal, written, or communicated through sustained eye contact with a Schnauzer owner while nodding slowly.

III

Composure

You must be capable of maintaining a straight face while discussing Schnauzer supremacy in public. Smirking is permitted. Laughing undermines the brand.

IV

Beard Respect

You must demonstrate appropriate reverence for the Schnauzer beard. This means no disparaging comments, no unfavourable comparisons, and absolutely no suggestions that it "needs a trim."

V

Anti-Shedding Stance

You must agree that excessive shedding is a moral failing in a breed, not merely a practical inconvenience. This is doctrine.

VI

General Soundness of Mind

You must be of generally sound mind, except as it pertains to your feelings about Miniature Schnauzers, where a degree of irrationality is not only accepted but encouraged.

Membership Tiers

Because even within exclusivity, there are levels.

Schnauzer-Curious

Entry Level

  • Access to the society newsletter (when we get around to it)
  • Permission to nod knowingly at other members
  • A sense of belonging you didn't know you needed

Beard Bearer

Standard Membership

  • Everything in Schnauzer-Curious
  • The right to correct people who mispronounce "Schnauzer"
  • Voting rights on important breed-related matters
  • Access to the annual general meeting (location: TBD, probably someone's lounge)

Grand Schnauzer

Elite Status

  • Everything in Beard Bearer
  • A personalised certificate of Schnauzer excellence (self-printed)
  • The authority to recruit new members
  • An air of quiet superiority that follows you everywhere
  • It's basically the same as the other tiers but with more confidence

How to Apply

There is no form. Forms are for organisations that need to verify things. We can tell.

If you believe you meet the requirements, make yourself known. Approach a member. Send a carrier pigeon. Stand outside with a Miniature Schnauzer and wait to be acknowledged.

Or, if you insist on being modern about it:

Email: [your-email@placeholder.com]

Location: New Zealand (the good hemisphere)

Hours: When we feel like it

We'll respond when we're good and ready. The Schnauzer sets the schedule around here.